Homewreckers

This is my open hand. This is the back of my hand. And THIS is the back of my hand getting acquainted with the homewrecker's (hereby known as HW) face. Please stand in queue >here< to meet my fist.

I cannot stand these trifling, shiftless, greedy females that feel that destroying homes is an art form. It should not be perfected. They should be ashamed of themselves. Not only are they making themselves look utterly ridiculous, but they make it hard for real women that just say no. She is the one cooking for your man when he is on punishment for something ignorant he did. She is also the one telling your man how good he is during sex, and he's probably doing something that you had to teach his dumb behind over the course of a few days.

Now, I myself like to categorize these hookers - I mean HWs - into three categories: the unknowing HW, the accidental HW, and the willing HW.

The unknowing HW I can forgive. This is the nice wholesome girl who is in a relationship with the perfect man. She just doesn't know that her perfect man is your man and probably someone else's man because he is trifling and deserves an open-handed slap in the face. This is the instance in which you both find out that your man is SNAKING. Unknowing HW, I feel you, I was there with you. Please know that the trifling man in your life has his time coming, you just might need to give that time a nice little shove in the right direction. You receive the 'Get out of jail free card' from me personally. One time use only, don't make this a habit.

The next category is the accidental HW (A.Hw) . This is the one that sleeps with your man knowing that he is yours but actually feels remorse about her actions and therefore gets half a cool point. I know you shaking your head but hear me out on this. This random act of sluttery is completely unplanned, enjoyable, but only happens once. The event then falls into the back of their minds like dating the guy with the horse teeth or making out with your cousin - it just didn't happen. Neither one of them expects anything from the other but to see each other at work the next day. The A.Hw is extremely rude and shady and it's official, she deserves to get wrecked. She's probably feeling bad about it anyway. Life goes on.

The most hated, vile creature that makes me want to pull her card in public and beat her like the dog that she is, is the willing HW (W.H). This chick is crazy and her actions warrant a foot to her face. Marked by her persistence, she usually accidentally runs into your man in a public place where he is trying his best to refrain putting her on blast, and constantly reminds him of what they used to have, brushing up against him and slipping her number in your man's pockets - because if you and your man are as tight as he says, your probably going to find her number and give him hell for it. This is what that scheming female wants. She is usually an ex with baggage, one with a baby, or one who has met the parents. The W.H. and your man probably have a mutual friend, you. She has no standards and is willing to put herself out there for the sole purpose of destroying your relationship. The sad part is, it isn't even about your man, it's all about her and her low self-esteem and how much she is jealous of you. The W.H can meet my fist at any given time. Any given time.

Keeping your home HW free is crucial to survival:

1. If your man does something stupid, don't get mad, don't cry, don't fuss. Smile as hard as you can and ask him if he is hungry. Cook a nice juicy steak - carve slowly.
2. You caught your man looking at another girl on the strip. Don't catch an attitude. Smile. because her boyfriend was just eying you and therefore you look so much better. And the guy a block ahead of you thinks so too, just let him know.
3. Buy the HW a hitchhiker's guide and send her on her way. Direct signs needed, this chick doesn't understand clues. Something ending in "or else" doesn't work. Be specific.

Homewrecker, thy name is weed, the only thing you're doing is aggravating me and I am about to cut you. 'Tis All.