Flea markets are the best thing since sliced bread and Wal-mart Supercenter. It's the only place where I can get the newest movie release, watermelon and elephant ears, a Buddha incense burner, and a puppy in one stop. I even considered a cat-o-nine tails and a Chinese "ninja-star" just because they had the sh!t. You never know who you might need to "persuade."
First and foremost-the people: Folks at flea markets are OVERLY friendly. Sometimes a little too friendly. One, they know they overcharge so they are willing to bargain with you so that the price is realistic. But when you are selling batteries for $3 (same price as Target) and you wanna sell them to me for $2, but the Chinese man near the entrance sells them for $1, then we have a problem. Two, they know that if they are selling something illegal and they don't treat you right, you'll call them out like Superhead. Yep, I'mma snitch b!tch. Lastly, they want you to buy something so they are going to convince you that you really need this plastic bag that is going to protect your sneakers from rain damage. What the hell I need that for? Shoot, I bought my Jordans from here anyway so I can just get another pair before I leave. Swoosh!
Secondly- rare items that you won't find anywhere else: Pure shea butter, not Palmer's, not a cream, but that good good [And people, if you haven't gotten on this miracle of nature... stab yourself. Shea butter will heal your stab wound- and your split ends- and cure your baby's diaper rash]. I bought a Sega game gear from the flea market. And let's not forget about that movie that you are ashamed that you know about, it's there, I saw it. And that real Gucci (shhhh- don't tell nobody). I'm just waiting for them to start selling textbooks so that I can stop paying my PWI out of my ass with my first born as collateral to take a class knowing good and well we only use that book three times a semester.
Third- FOOD: The fair only comes once a year? Not when you have a flea market nearby! Cheesesteaks, funnel cakes, turkey legs, nachos, and corndogs and chicken wings all cooked by sketchier people than those who work in Waffle House (I must address this poor excuse for a restaurant's existence soon and that of Huddle House). The grease that drips from the Polish sausages could lube my Grandma's elbows for a month (she usually uses chicken grease after she's done eating them). And hot boiled peanuts and candied nuts (no pun intended- you know who you are) are so good when you just don't know what to get, so you want to try something "safe" (as if anything is safe here). Knowing that you are going to get this fi-ya lemonade- to wash all this junk down because you are not paying $2 for water -because you are still bag-less because you just don't know what to buy while you are losing weight in this sweatshop:
is like an IRS refund check.
However, never under any circumstance, should there be a shooting due to gang related activities in or at a flea market. What do you prove by shooting at a flea market? No one who is there can really afford to pay medical bills (I know my broke self ain't) so you shooting is only going to end up with you dead (street justice). You gotta think twice before you shoot somebody in the country or the hood - somebody might surprise your ass with a blowgun and a rope out of nowhere.
And people please, for the love of DSS, keep your kids at bay while walking around in the flea market! Yes I know it's the perfect place to abandon an aggravating child, but don't do it. Because your hoodrat daughter is going to come find me of all people looking for you. I will direct her to the nearest trash can and when she looks away I will run like OJ screaming for my life; until I see that your klepto child lifted my wallet and I have to grab a belt and run after her like Dolemite. Additionally, I can't stand to see kids have temper tantrums in the flea market. It's too hot for that to occur, beat your child immediately or slip some medicine in that lemonade they are asking for. Mellow them kids out.
I'm think I'll hit up the flea market after church- I'll be saved enough to handle the evil therein.
'Tis All.
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