Midterms

Have got to be the most stressful time of the semester EVER. At least with finals you get a couple of days to cool out, procrastinate and catch up on missed episodes of Nip Tuck and ANTM marathons. But midterms are the bane of most peoples existence...period.

One thing has got me puzzled. Why does it seem that midterms for every class are at the exact same time? I know, you're thinking the name MID term, BUT not all midterms are in the middle of the semester. Some teachers even mask "midterm" with words like "extensive quiz" or a "final preparation." This doesn't change what it is! Euphemisms are for the 50s.

However some professors will let you know that you have a midterm and assure you that it will be the hardest piece of crap you will ever see in life, including your divorce papers. There will always be some random fact that was located in the grey box on that page with the big picture underneath the heading "You don't have to read this" when clearly, you professor thinks otherwise. It's so unfortunate how many desperate, caffeine addicted, sleep deprived co-eds are effected by the midterm torture device - which is exactly why I am writing. I want to save you from unnecessary stress at midterms!

Here's the secret:

1. Sleep more than a little bit - when you have finally reached page three of your notes. Rest. And for every 5 page increment afterwards. Don't be fooled by the all-nighters in the library. I'm sure you'll make the same grades.

2. Rock out - change your notes into freestyles to Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice. If you don't remember your notes then, then I just don't know what to tell you.

3. Eat - more and more and more until you can't eat anymore. It doesn't really do much to be a lazy glutton, but I'm sure you'll feel better afterwards.

4. Drink - alcohol is a depressant. But when you make up your new and improved lyrics for Ice Ice Baby, you'll be sure to remember them.

5. Study groups - are the quickest way to midterm hell. You never get much accomplished, and usually you whine, moan, and complain about the directives of the class anyway.

6. Party - party breaks help you appreciate study time a lot more, especially when you realize that if you don't do it, you will get kicked out of school, fail at life, your parents will hate you, your pets will hate you, and your children will rebel in the future on general principle and will be a constant reminder as to what happened that night you failed out of college and decided to go drinking at the bar.

7. Lastly, because seven is a nice round number - academic dishonestly is against university policy. I won't encourage it, nor will I even mention the dastardly deed in my precious list of the quickest ways to pass a midterm. How dare you even imply that I agree with such a thing? Gosh.

'Tis All.